I wrote something to myself last April, and well, it seems I've been having existential questions for at least that long.
April 10, 2016: It’s weird to
think I’m ‘starting over’ before I’ve even hit my 20s, but I am.
It’s not exactly
the major changes which define this process – but gradually shifting my mindset
in hope that the last year of tumultuous relationships won’t repeat itself, at
least not in the same way. Existing and going through the motions is not a way
to live, and I’ve been told that ever
since I hit high school – but when I sank low enough, reasoning wasn’t enough.
I was fighting to pretend to be happy
and optimistic about my future, when I was really falling to pieces inside. I defined
myself by my grades and my refusal to open up, and as someone who rarely lets
the truth spill from her, pretending to be someone I’m not ended up doing a lot
more harm than good.
When I lost
someone close to me this year, I ended up in a church saying goodbye and realized
the most important thing he ever taught me was this – never stop fighting. His
history was marred with tragedies and unspeakable obstacles, yet he came out of
it and created a life. His legacy in my mind is simple – don’t think too far
ahead and do what makes you happy. ‘Starting over’ will always be a process –
but it’s a process I’m appreciating. I’ve smiled more this year, said I hate
things out of habit rather than actually meaning it, and loved that feeling of
nervousness that shivers through my body as I embrace new challenges. It’s more
than just letting the future go, but less than shaking up my entire world. I’m
learning to start over as the semi-person I am, putting myself in situations
which are out of my comfort zone, and hoping for the best, but
not let my self-doubt dictate me as it has so much in the past.
My past isn’t
particularly eventful, yet it’s filled with those small moments of awful
tantrums, tears of failure and stress, and above all, the undeniable truth that
I continually hinged my happiness based on someone’s completely subjective
evaluation of my self-worth. I still do it now, stalking LinkedIn pages and
staring at achievements I don’t have – but I remember one thing now. All our
life paths are different. I don’t necessarily need the achievements to drive my
future or my happiness, and it’s what my current journey is. I’m not restarting
based on my university degree; I’m learning to be happy and speak up instead of
letting my voice get buried under the chatter. I’m committing to challenges
which shake me to my core, and learning to open up about everything – my
sexuality, my fears and my dreams – because I’ve learnt far too often in my
short life that faking it is more pain than I could imagine.
My life could veer
in many different directions and I’m okay with that – because I’m learning to
hit my stride, and do little things to make my life less riddled with false
hope and loneliness. This won’t be my last chance to start over, and that’s good because I can only get better at
it, right?
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